My top ten fears

Neil Jordan, director
July 23, 2004

Neil Jordan, 54, is a writer and film director. His most recent novel is Shade (John Murray). He won an Oscar for the screenplay of his film The Crying Game.

10 Dracula's batwings. I saw the first Dracula movie when I was seven. It didn't scare me that much, but the sound of those batwings frightened me.

9 Nightmares about films I'm making. I have a recurring dream just before I start filming. I'm on a film set and there are hundreds of people around, big stars, all the producers, and I've forgotten what I'm there to do, I've forgotten the script, I've forgotten everything, even the actors' names. But once I start working, it vanishes.

8 Jail. I'd be afraid of a night in jail. I have visited jails, and I wouldn't like to spend any time in them.

7 My children's safety. I have fears about my five kids. My daughter went on a trek through Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam and Indonesia, and I had a great fear of her being kidnapped. I actually visualised her being chained to a radiator.

6 Mobs. As a child, I was terrified of strange ways of dying. But I lived in Dublin, so I worked out I couldn't be killed by a tiger or by the other natural dangers which didn't surround me. But I saw a picture, I think it was in Classics Illustrated, of either A Tale of Two Cities or The Man in the Iron Mask. It was of somebody being torn apart by a mob, and it terrified me. A mob could assemble itself out of anything, anywhere; a mob is made up of people like yourself. That was my first known terror. I had never seen a mob, but the idea of it was familiar, and still is.

5 The seminary. When I was about 11, a priest came to our school and told us that some of us might have a vocation to join the priesthood, and if this happened, we had no choice in the matter. I would hear a voice from God saying that I, Neil, would have no option but to become a priest. The whole idea was really scary. Eventually I just forgot about it.

4 Our world. What scares me is that we live in a culture from which any meaning has vanished. Television has replaced discourse.

3 America. It's a very strange place at the moment, with the war in Iraq going on. I find it deeply uneasy. I watched President Bush on television giving a speech at a military academy and it reminded me of those Soviet rulers' ritual speeches and ritual cheering and ritual applause. Things were said in Russian so you didn't understand, but in this case, you do.

2 Enforced silence. I have a tremendous fear of being forced to be silent, in connection with writing or self-expression. If I was prevented from writing or making movies, it would be hell for me.

1 My life as an impostor. I fear that there is another life that I should have lived, and it isn't the one that I've actually lived. I think it's a common fear that people have, that the person they are has been formed by a series of chances which are completely arbitrary. I don't think people really know who they are.

 

Interview by Elena Lappin