Let's play election 2015 I-spy

Older readers may remember the I-Spy books from the 50s and 60s. They showed things to look out for. Sightings attracted points ranging from a mere 5 (for, say, a Ford Anglia) to a maximum 40 (eg for a Victorian postbox). When we reached 200 points, we wrote to Big Chief I-Spy who rewarded us with a headband and brightly-coloured feather.

We need him again, to help us survive the coming general election campaign. Here is my starting list of things to look—or, to be more precise, listen—out for, from our politicians.

“This is the most important election for a generation”—5 points “This is another election that may, or may not, be historic”—25 points

“We should all welcome the contribution that immigrants have made to Britain, BUT…”—5 points “We should all welcome the contribution that immigrants have made to Britain, THEREFORE…”—20 points for Nick Clegg, 30 points for Ed Miliband or David Cameron, 40 points for Nigel Farage.

“I don’t know”—25 points

“David Cameron is out of touch” – 5 points for a non-Conservative, 20 points for a Tory backbencher, 40 points for a Tory cabinet minister.

“Ed Miliband is not up to the job of Prime Minister.” 20 points for a shadow cabinet minister; 15 points for David Miliband; 5 points for anyone else.

“What people tell me on the doorstep is that…” —points. “What I read in the Daily Mail is that…”—40 points.

“Our opponents are cynical/stupid/dishonest/short-sighted/self-serving”—5 points. “Our opponents are principled/intelligent/honest/far-sighted/public-spirited”—40 points.

“We shall eliminate the deficit by 2020”—5 points “Frankly it’s total guesswork when, if ever we shall eliminate the deficit”—30 points. “Our priority for the next few years should be faster growth, not eliminating the deficit”—10 points for an economist, 40 points for a politician.

“I ignore the polls. The only poll that matters is the one on election day”—5 points. “I always take the polls seriously, especially when they contain bad news”—30 points.

“The status quo is not an option”—5 points. “The status quo is always an option and often the best one”—40 points.

“The NHS needs more doctors and nurses and fewer pen-pushers”—10 points. “The NHS needs better management and, sometimes, more back-office staff”—30 points. “Doctors? We should never let them anywhere near hospital administration”—40 points.

“Our policy may not work”—40 points.

“We are heading for victory”—10 points. “The result? I haven’t the faintest idea”—30 points.