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How to get married

Most British weddings are civil ceremonies, devoid of religious significance and tradition. Huge spending on the big day has filled the void. But if meaningful alternatives are to be found, the state must play its part

by Shiv Malik / July 21, 2010 / Leave a comment
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Published in August 2010 issue of Prospect Magazine

“Do you Shiv Malik, take Miriam Kate Robinson to be your wedded wife?” was a question I had no trouble answering. Miriam was a US citizen, I’m British and we had fallen in love. Her work permit had expired and if we wanted to stay together in London, we had to get married. The question that caught me out had come earlier, before the ceremony at Camden register office began. “Did you bring any music?” asked the registrar. We hadn’t. We didn’t even have any rings. She went to fetch a CD. What followed has been seared into our aural memory ever since.

After the vows, as our lips met to kiss, the registrar walked across to the stereo in the corner of Ceremony Suite 2 and hit the play button. “By the time the night is over… the stars are gonna shine on two lovers in love…” Alto sax? Casio keyboard drum track? “When the morning comes it’s gonna find us together, in a love that’s just begun…” The music was Kenny G, in all his kitsch magnificence.

We had told very few people we were getting married, perhaps just as well given the nature of the ceremony. We booked the register office in a hurry, having decided it wasn’t a big deal. After all, we were just signing a piece of legal paper. The real wedding would come later, when it could be marked by our friends and family.

My father had been away in India at the time of my wedding (my family are Hindu, of Punjabi descent). When I went to see him at his office after he returned to break the news, he thankfully took it well. But he had one demand. “This needs to be done properly. I want you and Miriam to have a priest come over and do the ceremony.” He reached for the telephone. “Dad,” I said, “Miriam’s Jewish.” He paused. “Even better.” he replied. We could have both a Hindu and a Jewish ceremony. He started to rummage through an old Rolodex, hunting, presumably, for the number of a rabbi. “But Dad,” I protested, “I’m an atheist.” That’s when he lost his cool. My father is not really a religious man, but the fac…

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Comments

  1. bachu
    November 21, 2010 at 04:24
    It is just as well, their marriage is not going to last for more than a couple of years if that.
  2. Chairm
    November 29, 2010 at 03:22
    Commitment does not define marriage; that to which commitment is made, that is what defines marriage. Marriage is not a private institution but a social institution of civil society. The institution benefits society and society benefits the institution. But this is due to the core meaning of marriage, to which there is societal significance meriting societal preference -- not due to private notions nor private motivations. Athiest or not, each of person who enters marriage enters a social institution of foundational importance to civilization. It is a big deal because it is bigger than the individual or the particular couple. Marriage, as a social institution, rather than commitment as a private undertaking, makes normative 1) sex integation, 2) provision for responsible procreation, and 3) these combined as a coherent whole. Now, sure, societal regard for the institution has become myopic and that has led to fraying of the edges and a loss of respect for the core meaning of marriage. But by groping for meaning, athiest or not, a married person needs to look outside of himself and outside of his own relationship with his wife. Which is what the author appears to have been trying to get his mind around.
  3. Jess at getmarriedtips.com
    August 23, 2012 at 00:06
    Wow, Chairm. Atheist, believer, whatever. You really know how to keep the romance in marriage, lol.

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About this author

Shiv Malik
Shiv Malik is the co-author of "Jilted Generation: how Britain has bankrupted its youth" (Icon)
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