Spare a thought for poor Nigel as he woke up to cold reality on Wednesday morning, realising that it couldn’t go on. This had — no question — been the most meaningful relationship in his life, and now it had to end.
For more than a decade Nigel has modelled himself on Donald. Hung on his every word. Flown to be by his side at every opportunity. Promised to copy him. Basked in his approval. Defended him in bad times. Bantered into the early hours. And, overnight, his love object had come crashing down to earth. Now it was a question of survival. It’s not you, Donald, it’s me.
Psychologists write about the nine overlapping phases of separation. First there is foreboding. Perhaps, in retrospect, Nigel had seen this coming. There was that hurtful story in the Sunday Times back in January when a White House source had briefed that “Trump has totally lost faith with Farage… He doesn’t believe he’s for real.” Why hadn’t he picked up on the clues that all wasn’t well?
Then comes the shock and disbelief that will have slammed into Nigel on Wednesday morning as he scanned the overnight headlines. For a while his mind may well have refused to accept the new reality. Those years when he would fly halfway across the world for a selfie to prove to the world how close the pair were? Now he had to accept the brutal truth: the guy is toxic, electoral kryptonite. A loser.
No more selfies. Ever.
For a while Nigel’s mind may well refuse to accept the truth. Ordinary life continues, absurdly, while everything seems to have changed. And then he will have come to his senses. He has already given some interviews distancing himself from his former love object. The Iran war had been a terrible mistake. Trump had broken his promises. No question about it.
Next, according to psychologists, will come anger and the rewriting of history. The beloved has to become the villain. Nigel will blush at the memory of how, contrary to his latest statements, he unequivocally backed Donald in going to war on Iran. That tweet! The one on 26th February where he urged, “The Prime Minister needs to change his mind on the use of our military bases and back the Americans in this vital fight against Iran!” What had been thinking? Of course, he’d been blinded by love, but no one will understand.
He will next go through the phase shrinks refer to as bargaining and obsessive reconstruction. What did I do wrong? Endless scrutiny of old conversations, messages, promises and betrayals.
Only last year he’d naively, almost comically, sent a “UK Doge” unit into Kent County Council, explicitly modelled on Elon Musk’s chainsaw massacre in Washington. It had seemed such a winner at the time, but now, obviously, it was an act of madness.
Oh and then — cringe! Earlier this year he’d promised an Ice-syle programme of “mass deportations” if he got elected. Donald had pledged that it would be a big vote winner. Now look. How could he have been so foolish?
Nigel will probably be spared the humiliation, jealousy and comparison angst that comes when the discarded lover finds someone else. Trump is unlikely to find anyone else.
A little bit of Nigel may be tempted to wonder if he could rekindle his brief passionate dalliance with Elon Musk. But then he will remember how cruelly and publicly Musk ditched him. They had a whirlwind 20-day affair in January 2025 — and then Musk discarded him for Rupert Lowe.
It was so hurtful at the time. But now Musk is almost as toxic as Donald. And, anyway, Nigel has found new love with Ben and Chris, the crypto twins. So it’s time to forget Elon, too.
Next Nigel will experience what therapists call a crisis of identity. Who, actually, is Nigel without Donald? A break-up can destroy not only an attachment but an entire imagined future — the person you expected to become.
Nigel had only ever wanted to be a mini-Trump — to bring his brand of transgressive, disruptive, populist, polarising politics to these shores. Just stick to the playbook of the ultimate Comeback King and what could possibly go wrong?
And now, as the Irish poet once wrote, “All changed, changed utterly.”
The two final phases of a painful break-up are, first, reconstruction and tentative freedom. Nigel can expect a moment of exhilaration, almost immediately followed by renewed sadness. Over the months he will further distance himself from the man who, only this Tuesday, he was still predicting would power through.
Inch by inch he will have to repudiate Donald. But then will come the sadness as he realises that, without the Trump-Bannon template, the Reform cupboard is pretty bare. Nigel has surrounded himself with a motley band of mediocre colleagues (just like Donald!) and, if the midterms proved anything, it’s that vast quantities of dosh do not translate into votes. Maybe the opposite.
Finally, Nigel can expect a confusing period of what psychologists call acceptance without necessarily forgetting. The relationship is in the past — and, hopefully, most people will forget it ever happened. And, yet, they had such good times together! Him, Donald and the bad boys of Brexit! Back then Donald wanted to learn from him. Remember Trump’s tweet? “They will soon be calling me MR. BREXIT!”
Crazy when you think about it, but Nigel was the first foreign politician to meet with Donald after his stunning 2016 victory! Donald loves loyalty and he didn’t forget how Nigel stood by him when all the allegations of pussy-grabbing were flying around.
“It wasn’t pretty, but he wasn’t running to be Pope.” That was Nigel’s soundbite, and it went down well at Mar-a-Lago. They chewed the fat about their shared experience of being demonised. Two of the most vilified people in the western world! What a bond. And then that picture in front of the gold doors. First time Donald had ever been photographed without a tie! He was that relaxed with Nigel.
The love was mutual. Donald tweeted that Nigel should become UK ambassador to the US. Just imagine how that could have gone. But a bunch of incredibly snobby, ghastly bunch of career politicians killed the idea stone dead…
But Nigel must stop these journeys down memory lane. All that was then, this is now. It’s all over and now he must channel Gloria Gaynor: “I will survive.”
Not sure he will, but that has to be the plan.
