I fell in love with my student
Dear Wilhemina
I hesitated to write and I have spoken to a number of people about this—but the advice I'm getting is quite contradictory. For the past two years I've worked as a course assistant in a London university. Last year I started seeing a young woman who was in one of my tutorials. We fell in love. Now our relationship has come to light and we have been told that there may be a problem. My girlfriend was my student when she graduated and this apparently puts the final mark I gave her in question, and therefore her degree. I'm not sure what to do.
Ben B
Dear Ben B
I understand your anguish faced with the university machine, but frankly this is a no-brainer and I'm not sure why or how the advice you've been getting is contradictory. The university is not going to revisit your girlfriend's degree. At best, her final mark might be recalculated with the mark for your module excluded, but I hardly think anything more will happen. It is clear that she should have switched out of your tutorial the minute a romantic relationship developed between the two of you. There is nothing wrong with relationships in universities or workplaces between two consenting adults—after all they're ideal places to find people with whom you have something in common. But any obvious power relationship between the people involved must be removed. As you were responsible for assessing her work, it would have been a good idea at least to hand over her paper for someone else to mark. But, frankly, just enjoy the relationship and get over the worry—if universities had to revisit every instance of a staff-student relationship, they'd have to close down.
Wilhemina
How do I avoid my wife's posh family?
Dear Wilhemina
I'm writing because I'm faced with a conundrum. As summer draws closer, my family needs to make the usual (privileged) decision: to go and see my wife's dysfunctional family in an idyllic setting in southwestern France, or to spend time with my distinctly less posh but nicer relatives in Yorkshire. The dysfunctional French option is sunny and gorgeous but I'm not sure I can stand another two weeks of braying and barbed comments by the pool. The alternative is two much more laid back weeks, with unfailingly grey skies and bad food. I also don't want to upset my wife, who looks forward to her time with her gang. Any advice?
Rob P
Dear Rob P
I'm not sure how old you are or the nitty-gritty of your circumstances but isn't it about time you and your wife made your own holiday plans? Important as it is to spend time with family (and to put up with our partners' families if that is the best we can hope for), could you not do this outside the summer holidays? You say you don't want to upset your wife, but she may welcome the idea of a holiday that doesn't involve anyone else's plans but your own. Grab a backpack, try a home swap—anything! But for Pete's sake, just go!
Wilhemina
Is my boyfriend being too generous?
Dear Wilhemina
A little over a year ago, my boyfriend and I decided to buy a house together. Those were obviously better times financially and our circumstances have changed since. Mine especially have deteriorated and I have been forced to take a part-time position in place of my old full-time job. (I work in the media). On the other hand, my boyfriend's circumstances have improved. He feels that we should go ahead and buy anyway and take advantage of the lower prices. He can scrape together the deposit and take on the mortgage until my fortunes improve. I know he is being both pragmatic and generous, but I fear it might cause a fundamental imbalance at the heart of what is supposed to be a shared life together. Am I being petty and unreasonable?
Caroline W
Dear Caroline W
No, you're not being petty or unreasonable. Those of us who are of working age nowadays are supposed to have reinvented coupledom to make many of these questions seem old fashioned and obsolete. As women we are supposed to have the confidence to take advantage of such generous partners without looking the gift horse in the mouth, and our partners are supposed to be sensitive enough to address any residual concerns. But the fact is that these issues haven't gone away. Indeed, therapists are often aghast at how much silence couples maintain around such matters and how corrosive they turn out to be. So you need to bring it up, no matter how uneasy you feel. That is what has changed: our capacity to voice these concerns. Only in talking about this problem will it ever be properly resolved; and this could even involve getting some advice from a financial adviser—if there are any left!—who might point to creative ways of organising your long-term finances to redress the initial imbalance. That's the best way to dispel your unease and recapture the sense of equal partnership. If it doesn't work, then maybe there is more unbalanced here than just the mortgage?
Wilhemina
Dear Wilhemina
I hesitated to write and I have spoken to a number of people about this—but the advice I'm getting is quite contradictory. For the past two years I've worked as a course assistant in a London university. Last year I started seeing a young woman who was in one of my tutorials. We fell in love. Now our relationship has come to light and we have been told that there may be a problem. My girlfriend was my student when she graduated and this apparently puts the final mark I gave her in question, and therefore her degree. I'm not sure what to do.
Ben B
Dear Ben B
I understand your anguish faced with the university machine, but frankly this is a no-brainer and I'm not sure why or how the advice you've been getting is contradictory. The university is not going to revisit your girlfriend's degree. At best, her final mark might be recalculated with the mark for your module excluded, but I hardly think anything more will happen. It is clear that she should have switched out of your tutorial the minute a romantic relationship developed between the two of you. There is nothing wrong with relationships in universities or workplaces between two consenting adults—after all they're ideal places to find people with whom you have something in common. But any obvious power relationship between the people involved must be removed. As you were responsible for assessing her work, it would have been a good idea at least to hand over her paper for someone else to mark. But, frankly, just enjoy the relationship and get over the worry—if universities had to revisit every instance of a staff-student relationship, they'd have to close down.
Wilhemina
How do I avoid my wife's posh family?
Dear Wilhemina
I'm writing because I'm faced with a conundrum. As summer draws closer, my family needs to make the usual (privileged) decision: to go and see my wife's dysfunctional family in an idyllic setting in southwestern France, or to spend time with my distinctly less posh but nicer relatives in Yorkshire. The dysfunctional French option is sunny and gorgeous but I'm not sure I can stand another two weeks of braying and barbed comments by the pool. The alternative is two much more laid back weeks, with unfailingly grey skies and bad food. I also don't want to upset my wife, who looks forward to her time with her gang. Any advice?
Rob P
Dear Rob P
I'm not sure how old you are or the nitty-gritty of your circumstances but isn't it about time you and your wife made your own holiday plans? Important as it is to spend time with family (and to put up with our partners' families if that is the best we can hope for), could you not do this outside the summer holidays? You say you don't want to upset your wife, but she may welcome the idea of a holiday that doesn't involve anyone else's plans but your own. Grab a backpack, try a home swap—anything! But for Pete's sake, just go!
Wilhemina
Is my boyfriend being too generous?
Dear Wilhemina
A little over a year ago, my boyfriend and I decided to buy a house together. Those were obviously better times financially and our circumstances have changed since. Mine especially have deteriorated and I have been forced to take a part-time position in place of my old full-time job. (I work in the media). On the other hand, my boyfriend's circumstances have improved. He feels that we should go ahead and buy anyway and take advantage of the lower prices. He can scrape together the deposit and take on the mortgage until my fortunes improve. I know he is being both pragmatic and generous, but I fear it might cause a fundamental imbalance at the heart of what is supposed to be a shared life together. Am I being petty and unreasonable?
Caroline W
Dear Caroline W
No, you're not being petty or unreasonable. Those of us who are of working age nowadays are supposed to have reinvented coupledom to make many of these questions seem old fashioned and obsolete. As women we are supposed to have the confidence to take advantage of such generous partners without looking the gift horse in the mouth, and our partners are supposed to be sensitive enough to address any residual concerns. But the fact is that these issues haven't gone away. Indeed, therapists are often aghast at how much silence couples maintain around such matters and how corrosive they turn out to be. So you need to bring it up, no matter how uneasy you feel. That is what has changed: our capacity to voice these concerns. Only in talking about this problem will it ever be properly resolved; and this could even involve getting some advice from a financial adviser—if there are any left!—who might point to creative ways of organising your long-term finances to redress the initial imbalance. That's the best way to dispel your unease and recapture the sense of equal partnership. If it doesn't work, then maybe there is more unbalanced here than just the mortgage?
Wilhemina
