Women would be on topby Kathy Lette / July 14, 2016 / Leave a comment
Published in August 2016 issue of Prospect Magazine
If I ruled the world my first edict would be to give women total control of planet Earth. What with the state of the Middle, sorry, the Muddle East, melting polar caps, geographical kleptomaniacs like rootin’, tootin’, shootin’ Putin, on-going financial meltdown fuelled by testosterone-addled bankers, Brexit and Trump trumpeting racism, we girls can’t possibly do a worse job than the blokes. And let’s face it, women who’ve given birth are better equipped to deal with the vicissitudes of life—after all, we’ve been stitched up and experienced acute pain. If what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, then mothers are made of titanium so could easily take on the task of running the world. I’m sure we’d have most of the planet’s problems solved in a few hours. Certainly by the cocktail hour anyway.
If women ruled the world, we could also get the scientists to take some time off from working on the Large Hadron Collider to prove that kale is fattening and cake and cocktails packed with vitamins. Plus chocolate would go straight to your boobs.
Society’s obsession with the bikini wax would also wane. If women ruled the world, in the nude, we’d all look as though we each had one of the Jackson five, circa 1970, in a headlock. Our pudendas would be awarded National Park status.
If women held power, elasticated tracksuit pants would be the height of fashion. Speaking of height, if women were in charge, high heels would also become a low priority. With female politicians sprinting around the G20 in comfortable flats, crippling stilettos would become a fashion faux pas. Female engineers will simply invent a shoe that is flat all day then magically transforms into a high heel at night. I already have a name for it—the Social Climber.