Will I ever find love in Westminster?
Dear Wilhemina I am a woman in my early thirties, and I've been fishing for love in the political ponds of Whitehall for the past decade. Due to the nature of my work, my professional life has gradually merged with my private one and I've dated many men in the public eye. None of these liaisons has been particularly fulfilling: men I've been involved with have been prone to protracted bouts of navel-gazing and an inability to commit to the women before them, lest they get in the way of political ambition or positive media coverage. Worst of all, many of them have been attached already, unknown to me.
I had an unpleasant reminder recently of what the increasingly real prospect of a Tory government will mean, not just for the country, but for finding my future match in the corridors of power. At a think tank seminar, the concentration of signet rings and braying special advisers/MP wannabes was insufferable—the increased toff count will work against me come 2010.
So I'm wondering whether I need to reconfigure my romantic radar and start fishing in a different pond. The thing is, politics is what I live and breathe. Do you think I can find love away from this passion of mine, or should I stick with what I know, in the hope that I might one day find a genuine, grounded and humble kindred spirit in SW1A?
Kate C
Dear Kate C I feel for you—but I also want to shake you silly and spin you around so that you lose your bearings and stray into more promising territory! Your letter was the best of a number of similar lamentations. You, at least, have the sense to ask whether you should reconfigure your radar. My advice isn't to "reconfigure" so much as to smash, run over and bury the gizmo: your radar sounds like it's a defunct, made-in-Westminster model that doesn't pick up signals from outside SW1A. There's nothing wrong with your wanting a soulmate who might share your passion for politics—but you might be working with a definition of "politics" that will severely limit your chances of finding that relationship.
I don't think your problem is remotely related to who might be in power: you've not fared terribly well so far, and my sense is that things are unlikely to improve no matter who is in government next. Most professional politicians will tend (and need) to be single-minded in their pursuit of success. No wonder they are seldom able to be grounded in the shared reality of a relationship; it does not pay to be particularly humble in SW1A. Their passion for politics might always, out of necessity, eclipse you and the relationship. Surely you stand a better chance through casting your net more widely? I'm not suggesting that you place an add in the Guild of Builders magazine or persuade yourself that you can share a life with a really interesting mime artist, but politics exists beyond Westminster, and many careers are as politically relevant as those of most politicians—be they in the law, journalism or academia. My advice: buy an elegant fishing rod and nudge your way up the Strand towards the WC2 end of the pond.
Wilhemina
A question of culture
Dear Wilhemina I am in a relationship that I have doubts about. I love the woman I am with. There is clarity in my feelings, depth too. But she is white. I, on the other hand, am from an Asian family, I speak two Asian languages fluently and I listen mostly to Asian music.
Now some of this isn't a problem. She likes the same music as I do. She supports my desire to bring up any children we might have with one of my languages. She likes my parents (I like hers) and my parents like her a lot as well. The problem is what most people would say is a fake one: an intellectual one. I am currently reading Black Athena by Martin Bernal and it makes me angry. Bernal describes how historians, classicists and archaeologists have deliberately obscured the Afro-asiatic roots of Greek culture, seeking to project that culture as European or Aryan instead. I think he's right and I recognise from my own work in the philosophy of logic the intellectual movement he describes.
Am I doing the same thing? Worse even than the classicists, who were burying someone else's culture, am I burying my own, am I ashamed of it in some way? I don't like the tendency towards socially conservative thought in Asian culture. I despise the trend towards Islamic radicalism. Perhaps the choice that I have made in my relationship involves trying to redress these dislikes and distempers. I want my children to be free of them, to be lighter than me, of a different community than me. I love my partner—but intellectually I ought to be ranged against her. Can you help?
Tariq R
Dear Tariq R Are you really burying your culture by being with a white woman? I've got a limited amount of patience with arguments like Bernal's—not because I don't think they are accurate but because they swap one form of cultural essentialism for another. By assuming you should be "ranged against" your white partner aren't you just swapping one racialised view of the world for another? And not being a social conservative doesn't make you disloyal to your culture (just as those on the left who criticise British foreign policy aren't traitors to their country). We don't simply inherit our cultures, we create them, and it seems to me that this is precisely what you are doing with your partner. Finding balanced ways of living with our evolving identities (as we all need to) depends on our willingness to see the world as an integrated one, rather than made up of conflicting spheres. I think part of the problem is that you're underestimating the emotional work required to do this. It can be difficult, but it's worth it.
Wilhemina
Send your problems—in strictest confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
Dear Wilhemina I am a woman in my early thirties, and I've been fishing for love in the political ponds of Whitehall for the past decade. Due to the nature of my work, my professional life has gradually merged with my private one and I've dated many men in the public eye. None of these liaisons has been particularly fulfilling: men I've been involved with have been prone to protracted bouts of navel-gazing and an inability to commit to the women before them, lest they get in the way of political ambition or positive media coverage. Worst of all, many of them have been attached already, unknown to me.
I had an unpleasant reminder recently of what the increasingly real prospect of a Tory government will mean, not just for the country, but for finding my future match in the corridors of power. At a think tank seminar, the concentration of signet rings and braying special advisers/MP wannabes was insufferable—the increased toff count will work against me come 2010.
So I'm wondering whether I need to reconfigure my romantic radar and start fishing in a different pond. The thing is, politics is what I live and breathe. Do you think I can find love away from this passion of mine, or should I stick with what I know, in the hope that I might one day find a genuine, grounded and humble kindred spirit in SW1A?
Kate C
Dear Kate C I feel for you—but I also want to shake you silly and spin you around so that you lose your bearings and stray into more promising territory! Your letter was the best of a number of similar lamentations. You, at least, have the sense to ask whether you should reconfigure your radar. My advice isn't to "reconfigure" so much as to smash, run over and bury the gizmo: your radar sounds like it's a defunct, made-in-Westminster model that doesn't pick up signals from outside SW1A. There's nothing wrong with your wanting a soulmate who might share your passion for politics—but you might be working with a definition of "politics" that will severely limit your chances of finding that relationship.
I don't think your problem is remotely related to who might be in power: you've not fared terribly well so far, and my sense is that things are unlikely to improve no matter who is in government next. Most professional politicians will tend (and need) to be single-minded in their pursuit of success. No wonder they are seldom able to be grounded in the shared reality of a relationship; it does not pay to be particularly humble in SW1A. Their passion for politics might always, out of necessity, eclipse you and the relationship. Surely you stand a better chance through casting your net more widely? I'm not suggesting that you place an add in the Guild of Builders magazine or persuade yourself that you can share a life with a really interesting mime artist, but politics exists beyond Westminster, and many careers are as politically relevant as those of most politicians—be they in the law, journalism or academia. My advice: buy an elegant fishing rod and nudge your way up the Strand towards the WC2 end of the pond.
Wilhemina
A question of culture
Dear Wilhemina I am in a relationship that I have doubts about. I love the woman I am with. There is clarity in my feelings, depth too. But she is white. I, on the other hand, am from an Asian family, I speak two Asian languages fluently and I listen mostly to Asian music.
Now some of this isn't a problem. She likes the same music as I do. She supports my desire to bring up any children we might have with one of my languages. She likes my parents (I like hers) and my parents like her a lot as well. The problem is what most people would say is a fake one: an intellectual one. I am currently reading Black Athena by Martin Bernal and it makes me angry. Bernal describes how historians, classicists and archaeologists have deliberately obscured the Afro-asiatic roots of Greek culture, seeking to project that culture as European or Aryan instead. I think he's right and I recognise from my own work in the philosophy of logic the intellectual movement he describes.
Am I doing the same thing? Worse even than the classicists, who were burying someone else's culture, am I burying my own, am I ashamed of it in some way? I don't like the tendency towards socially conservative thought in Asian culture. I despise the trend towards Islamic radicalism. Perhaps the choice that I have made in my relationship involves trying to redress these dislikes and distempers. I want my children to be free of them, to be lighter than me, of a different community than me. I love my partner—but intellectually I ought to be ranged against her. Can you help?
Tariq R
Dear Tariq R Are you really burying your culture by being with a white woman? I've got a limited amount of patience with arguments like Bernal's—not because I don't think they are accurate but because they swap one form of cultural essentialism for another. By assuming you should be "ranged against" your white partner aren't you just swapping one racialised view of the world for another? And not being a social conservative doesn't make you disloyal to your culture (just as those on the left who criticise British foreign policy aren't traitors to their country). We don't simply inherit our cultures, we create them, and it seems to me that this is precisely what you are doing with your partner. Finding balanced ways of living with our evolving identities (as we all need to) depends on our willingness to see the world as an integrated one, rather than made up of conflicting spheres. I think part of the problem is that you're underestimating the emotional work required to do this. It can be difficult, but it's worth it.
Wilhemina
Send your problems—in strictest confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
