My sister's behaviour is pathologicalDear Wilhemina
My sister and I lost our mother to cancer recently. She was the last of our parents to go, so we’ve been clearing out the house and sorting through her possessions before selling the property. It’s a harrowing task, not helped by the fact that my sibling is an emotional mess and our relationship has never been easy. We actually don’t know each other terribly well. For reasons I can’t fathom, she has insisted on doing the clearing out immediately. So quickly, it transpires, that she had already given away most of my mother’s clothes by the time I arrived for the funeral. She’s taking the same approach to everything—objects, furniture, letters, photographs—allowing no time to make something of this moment beyond the dispersal of stuff. It strikes me as unseemly and borderline pathological. Shouldn’t there be a period of observance? How do I slow her down?
Brian D
Dear Brian D I’m not a huge Thomas Mann fan, but I’m constantly reminded of how right he was when he wrote that “a man’s dying is more the survivors’ affair than his own.” My first question: why do you want to slow this down? Your letter betrays two concurrent sentiments. First, a more superficial one to do with observance and appearances: you use the word “unseemly.” But you also seem to want to slow down time in order to “make something” of it. Well, what would you “make”—time to mourn? Time with your sister, who you admit to not knowing well? Coming to terms with the real reason you want to delay, and sharing it with your sister, is a more effective way of getting her to relent, as opposed to beating her over the head with social conventions. And you may find out why she’s in such a hurry—but perhaps you don’t really care? WilheminaI can’t stand my flatmate’s girlfriendDear Wilhemina I’m a postgraduate student and share a big, beautiful flat with two other male friends. Until recently we had the perfect living arrangement. Then she came on the scene—one of my flatmates took up with a coarse, stupid girl who is a complete slob. Now she’s stuck to our flat like a barnacle. She takes over the bathroom in the morning, the kitchen in the evening and the lounge throughout the day, leaving a trail of half-eaten digestives… The trouble is, my friend loves her. Time for a conversation you’ll say—but with whom? Do we take her on or do we take him to task? And anyway, how can you be 27 and not be house-trained? Phil C
Dear Phil C I sympathise, but how did you get to your late twenties and manage to sound like you’re in your late nineties? As for your question, the obvious answer is: both. Talk to him and her—if your friend’s girlfriend is in your home as often as you say, then she’s part of the household, in which case she should be treated as such. Do give him warning about your concerns, however, beyond exasperated huffing and puffing or snide remarks. The operative word here is “conversation”—not ganging up on her, but discussing house rules as you would with any recently acquired flatmate. Be prepared for swelling tempers and bruised egos. And perhaps be prepared to find another flatmate for the sake of preserving a friendship. Wilhemina I hate my friends' politicsDear Wilhemina I feel a bit odd writing to you about this, but I think I no longer like my friends. We have all known each other for decades since meeting at university, but a bunch of us were in the pub recently discussing the election and I found myself getting more and more frustrated and angry with them. Ultimately I realised that they held what I think are loathsome political views. How did I manage to construct a circle of friends with whom I seem to have nothing in common? Do I give up on them wholesale? Do I just ignore their political views and concentrate on the aspects of them that I like? I’m not sure what to do. Maureen V
Dear Maureen V Political opinions often reveal deeply held values, so ignoring or dismissing your friends’ opinions would amount to ignoring much more than how they vote or their views on public policy. What you describe happens to many of us: one minute we seem to share every aspiration with friends; the next we seem to have nothing in common. Except, in fact, years have usually passed when we were too busy with careers, children and the business of life to reflect on how we may have been shaped by our experiences and by the opinions and views of people we know—be they friends, colleagues or family. We all have friends with whom we may no longer see eye to eye, but long-term friendships are rooted in the past and the experiences people have shared—quite a lot to have in common. Perhaps, more importantly, friendship is about being able to disagree with someone without falling out. A final word: you sound as though you might be a bit stuck in this circle of friends. Is it time to get out more? WilheminaSend your problems—in confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
Dear Brian D I’m not a huge Thomas Mann fan, but I’m constantly reminded of how right he was when he wrote that “a man’s dying is more the survivors’ affair than his own.” My first question: why do you want to slow this down? Your letter betrays two concurrent sentiments. First, a more superficial one to do with observance and appearances: you use the word “unseemly.” But you also seem to want to slow down time in order to “make something” of it. Well, what would you “make”—time to mourn? Time with your sister, who you admit to not knowing well? Coming to terms with the real reason you want to delay, and sharing it with your sister, is a more effective way of getting her to relent, as opposed to beating her over the head with social conventions. And you may find out why she’s in such a hurry—but perhaps you don’t really care? WilheminaI can’t stand my flatmate’s girlfriendDear Wilhemina I’m a postgraduate student and share a big, beautiful flat with two other male friends. Until recently we had the perfect living arrangement. Then she came on the scene—one of my flatmates took up with a coarse, stupid girl who is a complete slob. Now she’s stuck to our flat like a barnacle. She takes over the bathroom in the morning, the kitchen in the evening and the lounge throughout the day, leaving a trail of half-eaten digestives… The trouble is, my friend loves her. Time for a conversation you’ll say—but with whom? Do we take her on or do we take him to task? And anyway, how can you be 27 and not be house-trained? Phil C
Dear Phil C I sympathise, but how did you get to your late twenties and manage to sound like you’re in your late nineties? As for your question, the obvious answer is: both. Talk to him and her—if your friend’s girlfriend is in your home as often as you say, then she’s part of the household, in which case she should be treated as such. Do give him warning about your concerns, however, beyond exasperated huffing and puffing or snide remarks. The operative word here is “conversation”—not ganging up on her, but discussing house rules as you would with any recently acquired flatmate. Be prepared for swelling tempers and bruised egos. And perhaps be prepared to find another flatmate for the sake of preserving a friendship. Wilhemina I hate my friends' politicsDear Wilhemina I feel a bit odd writing to you about this, but I think I no longer like my friends. We have all known each other for decades since meeting at university, but a bunch of us were in the pub recently discussing the election and I found myself getting more and more frustrated and angry with them. Ultimately I realised that they held what I think are loathsome political views. How did I manage to construct a circle of friends with whom I seem to have nothing in common? Do I give up on them wholesale? Do I just ignore their political views and concentrate on the aspects of them that I like? I’m not sure what to do. Maureen V
Dear Maureen V Political opinions often reveal deeply held values, so ignoring or dismissing your friends’ opinions would amount to ignoring much more than how they vote or their views on public policy. What you describe happens to many of us: one minute we seem to share every aspiration with friends; the next we seem to have nothing in common. Except, in fact, years have usually passed when we were too busy with careers, children and the business of life to reflect on how we may have been shaped by our experiences and by the opinions and views of people we know—be they friends, colleagues or family. We all have friends with whom we may no longer see eye to eye, but long-term friendships are rooted in the past and the experiences people have shared—quite a lot to have in common. Perhaps, more importantly, friendship is about being able to disagree with someone without falling out. A final word: you sound as though you might be a bit stuck in this circle of friends. Is it time to get out more? WilheminaSend your problems—in confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
