I'm pregnant. Am I a hypocrite?
Dear Wilhemina
I have recently discovered I'm pregnant—and I'm very much opposed to the convention that dictates women should wait to announce their pregnancies until they have reached 13 or 14 weeks, and are past the Down's syndrome screening and miscarriage risk. I believe it ferments a sense of shame around both miscarriage and abortion and, moreover, isolates the person or couple confronting them, since even when there is no moral or political issue—in the case of miscarriage—the social embarrassment still holds.
Having said all that, it is quite embarrassing to announce a pregnancy and then have to go back and tell people, particularly people that you don't know terribly well, that the pregnancy is over for reasons that are, by definition, pretty personal and gynaecological. So I'm loath to be the one person who defies the industry standard. But if I refuse to be that person, does that make me a hypocrite? (I am also now quite fat, and I think most people have already guessed.)
Elisa G
Dear Elisa G
I suppose it does make you a hypocrite—but is that such a bad thing? The politics of everyday life has a way of turning us all into hypocrites, but sometimes that's the price we pay for wrestling with complex issues. It's the wrestling that matters.
If you are a hypocrite, I would say you're one of the good ones: someone who stumbles into hypocrisy during a process of authentic questioning. There's something to be said for taking principles and convictions as guides rather than absolutes. What they aren't is a guarantee of a particular outcome. And that may well mean continuing to hold a position as desirable, even if, at a given point and time, living it proves impossible. Some might argue that this is the way of the relativist, but I think it's simply the way of the engaged human.
Remember also that the delay convention around pregnancy announcements has as much to do with wanting to protect those who care about us (and who we care for) from disappointment as with protecting ourselves from shame. You can certainly argue that the custom contributes to our collective lack of emotional intelligence, and that it reinforces the potential for negative social control over reproductive issues. More importantly, however, these things are deeply personal, and a space for that needs to be maintained lest we construct an equally pernicious convention that trivialises what is, for some, a very painful event. Jade Goody's husband may revel in the power of grief under the spotlight, but many, if not most, need grief to remain private.
A coda: nature is outing you! Perhaps there is something to be said for "natural revelation"? After all, the best way of playing it might be the simplest—a few close souls apart, why not let evidence do the talking?
Wilhemina
Is he a leftie trapped in a Tory's body?
Dear Wilhemina
I'm writing out of confusion and hesitation. Recently I met and fell in love with a man who is (almost) everything I ever wanted. Kind, intelligent, attractive and he makes me laugh. Except for one thing: he is conservative. I mean he votes Conservative (always has) and in some areas holds some very right-wing views, though he expresses them carefully and well. He believes in order and doesn't much go in for protest. Though he can sometimes be reasoned with and dissuaded, his first reaction is, well, reactionary. I don't quite understand it; he is on every level considerate, kind and empathetic. But what comes out of his mouth are things that I would associate with conservatism. Is he a leftie trapped in a Tory's body? Failing that, if he is a Tory, can I overlook it and be confident enough to invest in the relationship and introduce him to my leftie family and friends—or should I move on?
Janey S
Dear Janey S
Much of this, it seems to me, has to do with the kind of relationship you want: is it one that comforts you on every level by unfailingly mirroring you? Or one that challenges you and grows through discussion and negotiation? Think of the role that boredom plays in relationship breakdown. Maybe this kind of grit in the oyster is just what's needed in the long term. If he's quoting Ratzinger in the bedroom and Powell in the living room, give this one a wide berth. But if it boils down to a choice of ballot, then why not embrace the possibility of loving someone who is simply different from you? You say he makes you laugh. Humour and laughter have a way of exposing or repairing faultlines in relationships that a discussion over the viability of nuclear energy or a debate over the success of Sure Start rarely have.
You seem unsure as to the depth of his Toryness. This could be because (as you suggest) the trait is only ballot-deep—an inherited reaction from, say, his upbringing. Your conceit here is that he may be only one good (left-wing) woman away from seeing the light. But the other possibility is more interesting—if slightly more disturbing for you. Are you fearful of your family and friends' reactions to him or bothered about their reaction to you? Regardless of the depth of his political convictions, what this situation might be prompting you to examine is the depth of yours. Challenge, self-knowledge and a man who, in your words, is kind, intelligent, attractive and makes you laugh. Sounds like a rather good deal.
Wilhemina
Send your problems—in confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
Dear Wilhemina
I have recently discovered I'm pregnant—and I'm very much opposed to the convention that dictates women should wait to announce their pregnancies until they have reached 13 or 14 weeks, and are past the Down's syndrome screening and miscarriage risk. I believe it ferments a sense of shame around both miscarriage and abortion and, moreover, isolates the person or couple confronting them, since even when there is no moral or political issue—in the case of miscarriage—the social embarrassment still holds.
Having said all that, it is quite embarrassing to announce a pregnancy and then have to go back and tell people, particularly people that you don't know terribly well, that the pregnancy is over for reasons that are, by definition, pretty personal and gynaecological. So I'm loath to be the one person who defies the industry standard. But if I refuse to be that person, does that make me a hypocrite? (I am also now quite fat, and I think most people have already guessed.)
Elisa G
Dear Elisa G
I suppose it does make you a hypocrite—but is that such a bad thing? The politics of everyday life has a way of turning us all into hypocrites, but sometimes that's the price we pay for wrestling with complex issues. It's the wrestling that matters.
If you are a hypocrite, I would say you're one of the good ones: someone who stumbles into hypocrisy during a process of authentic questioning. There's something to be said for taking principles and convictions as guides rather than absolutes. What they aren't is a guarantee of a particular outcome. And that may well mean continuing to hold a position as desirable, even if, at a given point and time, living it proves impossible. Some might argue that this is the way of the relativist, but I think it's simply the way of the engaged human.
Remember also that the delay convention around pregnancy announcements has as much to do with wanting to protect those who care about us (and who we care for) from disappointment as with protecting ourselves from shame. You can certainly argue that the custom contributes to our collective lack of emotional intelligence, and that it reinforces the potential for negative social control over reproductive issues. More importantly, however, these things are deeply personal, and a space for that needs to be maintained lest we construct an equally pernicious convention that trivialises what is, for some, a very painful event. Jade Goody's husband may revel in the power of grief under the spotlight, but many, if not most, need grief to remain private.
A coda: nature is outing you! Perhaps there is something to be said for "natural revelation"? After all, the best way of playing it might be the simplest—a few close souls apart, why not let evidence do the talking?
Wilhemina
Is he a leftie trapped in a Tory's body?
Dear Wilhemina
I'm writing out of confusion and hesitation. Recently I met and fell in love with a man who is (almost) everything I ever wanted. Kind, intelligent, attractive and he makes me laugh. Except for one thing: he is conservative. I mean he votes Conservative (always has) and in some areas holds some very right-wing views, though he expresses them carefully and well. He believes in order and doesn't much go in for protest. Though he can sometimes be reasoned with and dissuaded, his first reaction is, well, reactionary. I don't quite understand it; he is on every level considerate, kind and empathetic. But what comes out of his mouth are things that I would associate with conservatism. Is he a leftie trapped in a Tory's body? Failing that, if he is a Tory, can I overlook it and be confident enough to invest in the relationship and introduce him to my leftie family and friends—or should I move on?
Janey S
Dear Janey S
Much of this, it seems to me, has to do with the kind of relationship you want: is it one that comforts you on every level by unfailingly mirroring you? Or one that challenges you and grows through discussion and negotiation? Think of the role that boredom plays in relationship breakdown. Maybe this kind of grit in the oyster is just what's needed in the long term. If he's quoting Ratzinger in the bedroom and Powell in the living room, give this one a wide berth. But if it boils down to a choice of ballot, then why not embrace the possibility of loving someone who is simply different from you? You say he makes you laugh. Humour and laughter have a way of exposing or repairing faultlines in relationships that a discussion over the viability of nuclear energy or a debate over the success of Sure Start rarely have.
You seem unsure as to the depth of his Toryness. This could be because (as you suggest) the trait is only ballot-deep—an inherited reaction from, say, his upbringing. Your conceit here is that he may be only one good (left-wing) woman away from seeing the light. But the other possibility is more interesting—if slightly more disturbing for you. Are you fearful of your family and friends' reactions to him or bothered about their reaction to you? Regardless of the depth of his political convictions, what this situation might be prompting you to examine is the depth of yours. Challenge, self-knowledge and a man who, in your words, is kind, intelligent, attractive and makes you laugh. Sounds like a rather good deal.
Wilhemina
Send your problems—in confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
