Tears on the Tyne -- What's so funny?

Why is everyone making fun of poor Newcastle? What's the joke?

It's this. Anyone can tell that for some years now there's only been four top teams in the Premiership. They are the ones with the money, with the best players, with the best managers and they are the ones that win stuff. And then there's the rest, and the rest divide between 1) Those who know they've got a struggle to stay in the Premiership, year in, year out, and 2) Those who don't get it. They are the ones with delusions of grandeur but never win anything. It's the old fur coat and no knickers line. They don't play great football (we're not talking about Newcastle under King Kev I or Man City under Joe Mercer). They don't have many great players and when they do they sell them faster than Kevin Keegan walks out of the door. Think of Tottenham -- they've managed to sell Robbie Keane, Jermaine Defoe and Berbatov in barely a year.

And yet, Tottenham, Man City and Newcastle go on as if they're something special. It's not hard to see what all three have in common. They all used to matter, but now they don't. Er, that's it. On their day they can take on anyone (eg Tottenham's run in the Carling Cup, esp. the way they thrashed Arsenal in the Semis, or the way they battled against Chelsea in the FA Cup Semis the year before). And just when you think they're getting it together they self-destruct. They get together a team with 3 top strikers and sell them all. They hire King Kev when everyone knows he won't stick it. Then they hire Dennis Wise, because even they know King Kev won't stay and they want insurance. And then when the fans hate Dennis Wise more than they hate Sunderland, they let Dennis Wise choose the new manager, another bloody Londoner. Or Man City. They get a good manager (well, two, but the Thai owner got rid of Sven). They manage to get Robinho. Great. And then they start talking about how they're going to buy everyone. Ronaldo. Fabregas. Ronaldinho. Pele. Maradona. Yup. Eusebio. We'll 'ave 'im. And then they lose to Brighton in the Carling Cup.

Tim Garton Ash goes on about George Bush and hubris. Tim, get a life. Watch the Premiership and then you'll know what hubris looks like.

But note: no one laughs as Everton. No one laughs at Sunderland or Middlesbrough (alright, no one likes Middlesbrough but that's another story). No one even laughs at West Ham.

I have a theory. What drives these clubs crazy? It's having a great club nearby. Man City have got United lording it over them. Tottenham have got Arsenal. Alright, Newcastle haven't got anyone but they don't need anyone nearby to drive them crazy. That's how crazy they are. And those the gods want to drive mad, they sell to a Nigerian consortium and hire Joe Kinnear...