Excuses, excuses

Editors are privy to all manner of excuses from writers, but one thing that really gets them flooding in is any request to take part in a survey or poll. I suppose it's the fact that writers are being asked to put pens to paper (however minimally) without being paid for it that makes them so uncompliant. But rather than simply admit this, they tend to resort to variants of the time-worn formula: "I'd truly love to do this but..." Our poll in the current issue of the most overrated and underrated cultural events of the year garnered a particularly inventive array of excuses. Here is a selection:

--(From a famous novelist): "Thanks for the invitation, but I'm afraid I just don't partake in enough cultural events to answer your questions. Besides, living in Dublin, for all its vaunted trendiness, is like living on the Outer Hebrides—nothing much happens here except seals."

--(From an eminent philosopher): "I'm sorry, but I'm going to fail you on this one. I can't think of anything desperately worthy that has been ignored or trashed, and, equally, I can't think of anyone I particularly want to be rude about (at least, not in the world of culture). No doubt some brilliant idea will occur to me, long after your extended deadline; but I have tried hard to think of one so far, without success."

--(From a well-known historian, sent via email): "I am sorry not to have answered—was away and don't have internet in the flat here (Ankara). I would love to do something for you but feel a bit out of touch culturally: please forgive."

--(From a novelist): "Sorry, I have no ideas for this: everything seems overrated to me, except for [here the writer inserted the name of his own recently published novel], the publication of which was rather like a feather dropping down the Grand Canyon into oblivion—but I think it's probably bad form and a bit undignified for an author to whine about this sort of thing."

--(From a historian, sent at least a week before the deadline): "I'm afraid I'm struggling with flu at present so alas I must say no!"

--(From a well-known popular scientist): "If you don't mind, I would rather miss it this year, because of keeping myself out of the press for the time being."

--(From a columnist): "Just a word to say I won't be able to do this this year—I'm on a deadline for a book and every minute counts!"

But first prize for hypocrisy must go to the agent of a famous novelist who, having been approached to ask the novelist on our behalf, sent back an email saying: "xxxxx enormously appreciates you thinking of her, but I’m afraid she’s deep in her own work and doesn’t really want to be distracted." However, this was rather undermined by her email's subject line, which was obviously how the agent had framed our request when she'd forwarded it to the novelist (and which she had forgotten to delete): "Prospect wanting something for nothing—see below."

We have invited readers to send in their own nominations for the poll (see here). There's really no excuse not to....