Alternative Oscars

1. Best moustache -- Daniel Day-Lewis in "There Will Be Blood"

2. Best performance by a wife of Tim Burton -- Helena Bonham-Carter in "Sweeney Todd"

3. Most revealing demographic -- 19/20 actors nominated for actor/actress in leading or supporting role are white.

4. 2nd most revealing demographic -- 15/20 actors, etc, etc. are under 50.

5. Most revealing aspect of British media coverage of the Oscars -- the amount of attention paid to actresses' dresses

6. 2nd most revealing aspect British media coverage -- emphasis on the fact that the 4 Oscar-winning actors are all European (because the big British film, 'Atonement', sank without trace).

7. 3rd most revealing, etc, etc. -- we forgot to mention that all six of the nominated directors are American.

8. Strangest omission by British media coverage -- Roger Deakins, British cinematographer, nominated TWICE for Achievement in Cinematography and could have received a third nomination for his work on 'In the Valley of Elah'.

9. Best achievement by an actor in 2007 -- Philip Seymour Hoffman for performances in 'Charlie Wilson's War' (nominated for actor in a supporting role), 'Savages' and 'Before the Devil Knows You're Dead'

10. best achievement by a director with a film in contention this year who has been directing for over 50 years -- Sidney Lumet, who directed '12 Angry Men' in 1957 and 'Before the Devil Knows You're Dead' in 2007.

11. Dustin Hoffman award for best performance in a film about someone disabled/with dementia/very ill -- Mathieu Amalric in "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" (locked-in syndrome), Julie Christie in "Away From Her" (dementia), Tom Wilkinson in "Michael Clayton" (mental illness), Daniel Day-Lewis ("There Will Be Blood"), Johnny Depp ("Sweeney Todd") & Javier Bardem ("No Country for Old Men") (all murderous psychopaths) and Daniel Day-Lewis in "There Will be Blood" (a bit of a limp).

12. Laurence Olivier award for best shouting -- Daniel Day-Lewis in "There Will be Blood"

13. Best film for female roles -- "There Will Be Blood" (yes, I know, that's the point -- one of many reasons why it's ridiculously over-rated)

14. Films about natural resources, land and the rise of American capitalism which are a million times better than "There Will Be Blood" -- "Chinatown" and "Once Upon a Time in the West"

15. Best eye make-up -- Helena Bonham-Carter in "Sweeney Todd"

16. Best soundtrack that wasn't nominated -- "Juno"

17. Best scene in a lawyer's office -- opening scene of "Michael Clayton"

18. Best Clinton joke at the Oscars -- "Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in 'Away from Her' ... a moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband," Jon Stewart said. "Hillary Clinton called it the feel-good movie of the year."

19. Worst speech at the Oscars -- Marion Cotillard

20. Largest number of pretty actresses in a film about 'locked-in syndrome' -- "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly"