Floating voter

Prospect Magazine

Floating voter


I’m having nightmares about the polling booth. My greatest fear? Choosing a candidate

I am suffering from a terrible condition: acute pre-election stress trauma, or Pest. Where once I floated, now I sink. The only other documented cases occurred in 1974, my psychoanalyst tells me, when parliament was last hung. In those days, it was called ballot anxiety disorder: Bad.

“Tell me about your mother,” my psychoanalyst murmurs. I try to breathe. “My mother was very strict, doctor. She said that whatever happens I must always vote. She said that it is the one absolute duty in a democracy. She said millions died for this. She said those who do not vote must live in exile or silence.”

“And how does that make you feel, Ed?” he asks. “I feel a tremendous sense of my own importance.” “Go on.” “Everything—the whole election—it’s all about me.” He makes a steeple with his fingers. “How so?”

“Come on, doctor, isn’t it obvious? Because I’m the

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  1. May 4, 2010

    Ziggy Kinsella

    My brain went into meltdown last week – the sight of a miniature blears trying to sneak away from Rory Bremner (doing his impression of GB) whilst flanked by two large labour posters just makes me think I should go back to bed and play with my twiddle stick till it’s all over (the next five years, not the election)

  2. May 5, 2010

    Rob Emmett

    I decided an hour ago to vote Tory. A little voice in my head has reminded me that Labour was complicit in taking us into unnecessary war(s), countless lives have been lost…it is time for them to go. Everything else is just peripheral.

  3. May 5, 2010


    Oh my, that last paragraph of yours… None of them!! However, to abstain, I’ll get whipped by your mother, for she is right. The Blues will get in and horror awaits the children, the pensioners and everyone will be told it’s sink or swim and I haven’t forgotten being pulled out of the water when I was five because my friend could touch the bottom and I thought I could too
    (p.s did you get your shrink on the NHS?)

  4. May 7, 2010

    Dr Bob

    A private gynecologist? Just the man, surely, to lead a nation that’s been being royally f***ked by Labour for the last 13 years…

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