DOES HAVING AN AFFAIR MAKE ME A BAD FEMINIST?
Dear Wilhemina
I’m having an affair with a married man. We’ve known each other socially for a few years, but now we seem to be falling in love. I am struggling with the moral dimension and in particular how I square this with what has always been my militant feminism. How can I reconcile what I’m doing to another woman—whom I quite like—with my political stance?
Laura K
Dear Laura K
What you express is both familiar and quaint nowadays. The idea that a “good” feminist would refrain from having an affair is probably rooted in the mantra that “the personal is political.” The original purpose of this was to raise awareness about how individual experiences add up to form patterns of oppression. (The rape of one woman is a tragedy, but the ongoing acceptance of the rape of thousands of women is institutionalised oppression, and so on.) Over time, however, the phrase has come to mean “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Laudable, but more to do with basic human decency than with feminism per se. And it doesn’t apply specifically to women.
This takes us to the heart of the matter in two ways. First, this is simply a matter of honesty. You may wish to dress it up as a political dilemma but you are living a good old-fashioned lie. It has nothing to do with you or his wife being women, but in the anguish caused if you are found out. Second, women now have affairs almost as frequently as men—in Britain in 2003, roughly 40 to 50 per cent of married women and 50 to 60 per cent of married men had had extramarital affairs—so you’re not perpetrating the oppression of one sex over another. Whether this strange form of equality is to be celebrated is another matter, but it does indicate a levelling of the playing field which renders your question if not moot, then certainly less politically pertinent.
And politics aside, you are screwing someone else’s partner. You can either enjoy or recoil from it. That’s a matter of choice and, thanks to feminism, you have a choice and will pay no more of a price for it than a man would. The question is, what is that price?
Wilhemina
I CAN’T STAND MY PARTNER’S TEENAGE CHILDREN
Dear Wilhemina
I’ve been seeing a lovely woman for nearly a year now. Everything between us is wonderful except for one thing: her children. We got together several years after our respective marriages broke up, each of us with two children in tow. Where my children are considerate, open, fun and as well behaved as teenagers can be, hers are rude, loud and disruptive. I don’t like them and I’m finding every excuse to spend as little time with them as possible. My children feel the same. It’s causing tension, but I think she thinks it’s due to me being over-sensitive. Will the kids get the better of us?
Andrew T
Dear Andrew T
To be honest, if anything is getting the better of you as a couple, it sounds like it’s your smugness. Her children may well be the things you say, but your way of handling this must be sending a loud message about how you feel about them. I don’t want to belittle your concerns: these situations are the stuff of misery in day-to-day life. But you and your girlfriend are the adults in this situation. When you are together as a version of a family then your responsibility also extends to her kids. Even if it’s different from how you deal with your own, you can’t opt out from dealing with hers. You need an honest but generous conversation with this woman about how you will both parent all of the children while respecting the nuances of biology and kinship. Then you need a conversation with your own kids.
It may not work out—there is no doubt that problems like these can undermine a relationship. But to give it a chance you need to start acting a bit more like grown-up yourself.
Wilhemina
SHOULD I BE A FLU FRIEND?
Dear Wilhemina
I am single with no children and several of my married friends have asked me to be a “flu friend” in the event of their getting swine flu, as if I have all the time in the world to play Florence Nightingale. I am reluctant (I don’t want to increase my chances of getting it, and the idea of being seriously ill on my own fills me with dread). What do you suggest I do? Is this a fair demand?
Alice P
Dear Alice P
Before I tell you just how much of a no-brainer I think this is, let me first say—in your defence—that I can’t decide whether your friends strike me as paragons of foresight and organisation or simply a bit creepy. However, they’re your friends and you can wrestle with that question when you’re tucked up in bed drinking Lemsip later this autumn.
My answer to you is to take a dose of Tamiflu and suck it up. Whether or not you’ve got all the time in the world, whether they’re married, single or with children is irrelevant. They’re your friends. You should agree to help them. Perhaps given their propensity to draw up verbal contracts for this sort of eventuality, you could point out that as a singleton you’re not immune to flu either—and may end up needing their help.
Wilhemina
Send your problems—in confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
Dear Wilhemina
I’m having an affair with a married man. We’ve known each other socially for a few years, but now we seem to be falling in love. I am struggling with the moral dimension and in particular how I square this with what has always been my militant feminism. How can I reconcile what I’m doing to another woman—whom I quite like—with my political stance?
Laura K
Dear Laura K
What you express is both familiar and quaint nowadays. The idea that a “good” feminist would refrain from having an affair is probably rooted in the mantra that “the personal is political.” The original purpose of this was to raise awareness about how individual experiences add up to form patterns of oppression. (The rape of one woman is a tragedy, but the ongoing acceptance of the rape of thousands of women is institutionalised oppression, and so on.) Over time, however, the phrase has come to mean “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Laudable, but more to do with basic human decency than with feminism per se. And it doesn’t apply specifically to women.
This takes us to the heart of the matter in two ways. First, this is simply a matter of honesty. You may wish to dress it up as a political dilemma but you are living a good old-fashioned lie. It has nothing to do with you or his wife being women, but in the anguish caused if you are found out. Second, women now have affairs almost as frequently as men—in Britain in 2003, roughly 40 to 50 per cent of married women and 50 to 60 per cent of married men had had extramarital affairs—so you’re not perpetrating the oppression of one sex over another. Whether this strange form of equality is to be celebrated is another matter, but it does indicate a levelling of the playing field which renders your question if not moot, then certainly less politically pertinent.
And politics aside, you are screwing someone else’s partner. You can either enjoy or recoil from it. That’s a matter of choice and, thanks to feminism, you have a choice and will pay no more of a price for it than a man would. The question is, what is that price?
Wilhemina
I CAN’T STAND MY PARTNER’S TEENAGE CHILDREN
Dear Wilhemina
I’ve been seeing a lovely woman for nearly a year now. Everything between us is wonderful except for one thing: her children. We got together several years after our respective marriages broke up, each of us with two children in tow. Where my children are considerate, open, fun and as well behaved as teenagers can be, hers are rude, loud and disruptive. I don’t like them and I’m finding every excuse to spend as little time with them as possible. My children feel the same. It’s causing tension, but I think she thinks it’s due to me being over-sensitive. Will the kids get the better of us?
Andrew T
Dear Andrew T
To be honest, if anything is getting the better of you as a couple, it sounds like it’s your smugness. Her children may well be the things you say, but your way of handling this must be sending a loud message about how you feel about them. I don’t want to belittle your concerns: these situations are the stuff of misery in day-to-day life. But you and your girlfriend are the adults in this situation. When you are together as a version of a family then your responsibility also extends to her kids. Even if it’s different from how you deal with your own, you can’t opt out from dealing with hers. You need an honest but generous conversation with this woman about how you will both parent all of the children while respecting the nuances of biology and kinship. Then you need a conversation with your own kids.
It may not work out—there is no doubt that problems like these can undermine a relationship. But to give it a chance you need to start acting a bit more like grown-up yourself.
Wilhemina
SHOULD I BE A FLU FRIEND?
Dear Wilhemina
I am single with no children and several of my married friends have asked me to be a “flu friend” in the event of their getting swine flu, as if I have all the time in the world to play Florence Nightingale. I am reluctant (I don’t want to increase my chances of getting it, and the idea of being seriously ill on my own fills me with dread). What do you suggest I do? Is this a fair demand?
Alice P
Dear Alice P
Before I tell you just how much of a no-brainer I think this is, let me first say—in your defence—that I can’t decide whether your friends strike me as paragons of foresight and organisation or simply a bit creepy. However, they’re your friends and you can wrestle with that question when you’re tucked up in bed drinking Lemsip later this autumn.
My answer to you is to take a dose of Tamiflu and suck it up. Whether or not you’ve got all the time in the world, whether they’re married, single or with children is irrelevant. They’re your friends. You should agree to help them. Perhaps given their propensity to draw up verbal contracts for this sort of eventuality, you could point out that as a singleton you’re not immune to flu either—and may end up needing their help.
Wilhemina
Send your problems—in confidence—to wilhemina@prospect-magazine.co.uk
