When love and culture clash

Cross-border marriages are increasing in the EU. But what happens when couples discover that European union does not extend to the divorce courts?

by Janine di Giovanni / December 15, 2010 / Leave a comment

I once had a practical Scandinavian friend. When she heard I was marrying a Frenchman, she was deeply concerned.

“I shall be married soon,” she said sagely.

“Will he be French?” I asked, because she had a history of French lovers.

She looked shocked. “Of course not. He’ll be Danish, like me.” Then she added: “It’s too complicated to marry someone outside your own culture.”

At the time, I thought my friend was overly cautious. I have spent most of my life outside my own culture, and had no problem with cross-border relationships. I am half Italian and I was born and raised in the US. I then moved to England and became a British national in my early twenties. In my late thirties, I moved to Paris to marry a Frenchman and have a child, and again changed nationalities. I now have three passports and absolutely no sense of identity.

Having spent two decades working as a foreign correspondent, I thought, rather naively, that my cultural sensitivity was highly tuned. I have lived in Africa, squatted for months in tents in Afghanistan and spent weeks on end in refugee camps in Gaza. France, I thought, with its bucolic lifestyle, great food and wine, retirement at 60, would be a breeze—the shortest cultural learning curve of my life. Also, most of my friends are from a mixed heritage: half something, half something else. It’s a rare thing for me these days to meet someone with two parents from the same nation.

Soon after my idyllic Alpine wedding, I realised I was wrong. From the shock of the French public hospital where I gave birth three weeks after my chaotic arrival, to navigating my way through the Parisian social structure, it’s been a long, hard slog. It has taken nearly six years to excise a feeling of rage simply from having to go to the town hall, armed with a battery of paperwork, to fill out tax forms. I have finally sought “acceptance” of the rigid French educational system; mothers who scream at their children if they fall down; and sharp-elbowed pedestrians with no sense of spatial boundaries who shout “Dégages!”(get lost).

All marriages are difficult, but my Danish friend was right—binational ones are even more trying. I began to realise this upon my introduction to French bureaucracy. Preparing for the wedding, I had to arm myself with all of my…

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Ned Smith
December 17, 2010 at 13:23
Today marks the 3Zth anniversary of our bi-cultural marriage. It has not always been "sweetness ± light” but it has survived because my gallic wife stubborn determination.
Tom_Morrisonbell
December 27, 2010 at 23:54
What a depressingly unimaginative understanding of personal identity
Jacqueline
January 7, 2011 at 13:02
it strikes me that many people marry too quickly, without becoming sufficiently acculturated. But the problems are essentially the same as marriage across social class or religion: people are locked into assumptions grounded in their early life, which they have never examined. Trying to hang onto a previous 'identity' seems to me bizarre: put it behind you.
Alex
January 7, 2011 at 15:02
38 years blissfully married to a Brit girl. Perhaps as our mother tongue(s) are both English, there were no problems between South African and British cultures. Both of our children hold British citizenship as well as South African citizenship.
Barbara
January 7, 2011 at 15:19
Is the problem of a failing couple really related to nationality and culture or are practicalities the dimension that hides real conflicts undermining a relationship (which are usually to be fixed at the emotional level)? Isn't 50/50 custody something that has been fought for by men and women rather than an unfair expectation on behalf of men? As for the shopping procedure, there are rules that limit the possibility of filing a divorce claim, including proof of continuous residence of the couple. Finally, isn't the assumption that men earn and women don't (and that they will do anything to get men's money) rather old-fashioned and insulting? In Sweden, the law does not foresee maintenance for women because it takes stock of a more advanced concept of gender roles. Men and women do share parenting responsibilities as well as taking time off from work. It's not women only who take care of children. To believe that absence of maintenance is a disadvantage for women is not correct. It betrays a lack of understanding of the Swedish society.
richard herriott
January 7, 2011 at 21:39
Janine di Giovanni´s article on intercultural marriages seemed inspired by Rebecca Front´s turn on BBC4´s Sunday Format where one small experience at a dinner party is wildly extrapolated. Try this: "It´s a rare thing for me these days to meet someone with two parents from the same nation." I presume this has a lot to do with the highly selective social circles Ms Giovanni moves in. The population of the EU is roughly 500 million. Assuming 350,0000 cross-border marriages over the last ten years then under one percent fall into this category. Better editing should have struck this nonsense out before printing. The article itself was one I´d expect to find opening the Culture Section of any Sunday paper.
Nathan Muir
January 8, 2011 at 13:21
So..., 50:50 custody (French garde partager) seems shockingly unequal treatment to Anglo-Saxon women. Doesn't that need some explaining? Where on earth has these women's sense of entitlement in divorce come from? It's surely going to have to change.
Aliya lefevre
December 17, 2012 at 01:04
I was so happy to find this article. It is shocking for me how little information there is out there about this. In my opinion there should be more warnings about it.. I married and am divorcing a violent Frenchman and it has been the worst nightmare I could have imagine. French laws protect so much men specially and the men know it very good. My almost ex husband insisted so much in coming to live in France and I did not understood the why of it.. Once we got to his country he knew the laws he felt protected and his violence became so much worse. He even said to me several times " Here even if you go crying to the police noone will believe you or want to believe you" and he was so right. I'm now fighting to keep my daughter's custody even if its just 50/50 ... he is asking for full custody. I'm now trying to write a book or at least a website to let other women know about the risk.
Hailey
July 20, 2013 at 20:57
The way I see it, as long as the father is a good father and can provide financial/emotional/mental support towards the binational child(ren), it truly doesn't matter if the anglo-saxon mother finds it 'unequal' and 'unfair'. The child should have both parents in their life. This is coming from an American woman.