The Gaffer quiz: Which newspaper football section are you?

Since the early days of the printing press in the 16th century—an era when matches featured routinely teams of 70-a-side and balls made of bacon—newspapers have taken a keen interest in football. Reporting on football has become easier as teams became smaller, with modern inventions such as the computer, the public address system and the ubiquitous three-letter nickname making the modern job of football writer an attractive prospect for failed proper journalists everywhere. All of Britain's papers employ a different approach for football reporting. Find out which best suits you with the-gaffer.com's quiz.

1. A drunk Liverpool player is pictured falling out of a nightclub at 4am on the eve of a crucial European tie. How do you caption the picture?

a) Begin typing "Scouse shame…" then wisely decide that it’s best to just ignore Liverpool stories altogether after that nasty business in the 1980s.

b) Don’t run the picture, but make sure you make several catty comments about it in your irreverent podcast.

c) Type "Declining moral standards: what sort of example does this set to our children?" then treat yourself to a lovely lunchtime pint of British real ale.

2. Arsene Wenger insists in a press conference that the door is open for English youngsters at Arsenal, despite the fact that his youth team is predominantly made up of foreigners. How do you report the story?



a) With the headline "WACKY WEN MAKES GB GAFFE" which barely makes sense given the context of the quote, but will definitely do.

b) By cobbling together a short news story from online reports because you weren’t invited to the press conference, then fill out the space with a hilarious timeline graphic that mocks Arsenal’s lack of success.

c) With a healthy amount of rage concluding with the phrase "political correctness has now officially gone mad."

3. A group of Bolton players launch a charity which provides footballing equipment for servicemen in Afghanistan. What is your response?

a) Heap praise on the players for their support for Our Boys and misuse the adjective "brave" at least four times.

b) Bolton? Where’s that?!

c) Express mild surprise and tentative support, but point out that their charitable efforts pale in comparison to those of Princess Diana, Queen Of Our Hearts Forever.

4. The Manchester derby ends in a thrilling 3-3 draw. How do you use your four allotted pages to cover the game in Monday’s paper?

a) They’re mainly taken up by big colourful pictures, but there’s probably enough space to rate all the players out of 10. Break up the match report itself with useful sub-headlines that say things like "Blunder," "Goal," and "Football."

b) Two pages for a long-form report of the game by a writer who thought by now he would be living in Devon and writing his novel. One page for an in-depth tactical breakdown of the game by an ex-manager that 12 of your readers will read. One page for a sardonic piece about the managers’ ties which betrays the writer’s deep underlying hatred of sport.

c) Devote all coverage of the game to a special report on Brown’s Britain. A place in which feral youths like Wayne Rooney are allowed to run wild and terrify upstanding citizens from older generations, like Wayne Bridge.

Which are you?

Mostly As You are The Sun. Football—you love it! (But not quite as much as you love tits.)

Mostly Bs You are a left-leaning broadsheet with comedic ideas above your station. You can only understand televised football when viewing it from an acute angle as you’ve been asked to take a "sideways look" at a footballing issue one too many times.

Mostly Cs You are a right-wing middle-market tabloid. Written by women for women who hate women.

A combination of answers You are the internet. Piss off, you’re ruining journalism for everyone.

This item first appeared on the-gaffer.com, the internet’s premier source for 100 per cent untrue and 81 cent hilarious football writing. Visit The Gaffer for a reliable stream of up-to-the minute silly news, as well as razor-sharp punditry, gossip columns and betting advice.