Fresh from savouring the dismal level of scientific literacy on display in the world of brain gyms, while flicking through Metro on my commute this morning I came across a gem of popular science writing—a “Metrocosm” page devoted to the imminent opening of the largest particle accelerator every built, the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). It’s an event Metro anticipates with sober trepidation:
Initially, all looks good and the first results to be crunched by the facility’s super computers are promising. But it quickly becomes clear that something has gone wrong. Somewhere in the miles of super-cooled tunnels a tiny black hole has been created and, like all its kin, it is hungry. Surrounding matter is rapidly sucked into the gravitational abyss in a runaway process that sees it growing unstoppably in size until it has engulfed the entire Earth and crunched it down inside its inescapable event horizon. Unlikely? Yes. But that hasn’t stopped some people from trying to shut the project down before it gets the chance to kill us all.
This masterpiece reminds me more than a little of the immortal words uttered by an unwitting pundit during the (satirical) TV programme Brass Eye in 2001, regarding the suggestion that paedophiles are genetically more similar to the common crab than they are to ordinary people: “That is scientific fact. There is no real evidence for it, but it’s scientific fact.”
In fact, as Gwyneth Lewis has pointed out in our own pages, “A common misconception about the LHC is that its colliding beams risk creating a black hole. Black holes happen when stars with diameters hundreds of times that of the earth collapse. Some of the densities to be created at the LHC are similar, but with infinitesimal pieces of matter—fragments of protons. In any case, cosmic rays have been hitting the earth for millions of years at higher energies than those to be produced by the LHC…” Although, with yesterday’s satire increasingly resembling prophecy, the idea that evidence should be allowed to get in the way of a good story (and a sexy graphic) seems positively antique.
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Gravity by suction was, perhaps, Newton’s least intelligent idea, of which he was made painfully aware by Robert Hooke for which he never forgave him. It was not even an inherent property of matter but derived externally. Pride, however, prevented him from going further than declaring that if neither he nor Aristotle had got it right, it was probably “beyond the wit of man” to discover the cause.
CERN may find that even £4billion will not buy them the answer for which the back of an envelop could prove a more useful tool. That is all that is needed for a modest reworking of the ‘inverse-square’ law, creating an entirely different picture! The ‘pull’ is one of those ’scientific facts’ for which there is no real evidence.
The ‘pull of gravity’ is one of those scientific facts for which there is no real evidence. Gravity by suction was, perhaps, Newton’s least intelligent idea, of which he was made paifully aware by Robert Hooke for which he never forgave him.
There will always be people who are absolutely gleeful (while hiding their smiles) about the world going down in flames, or, in this case, crossing the event-horizon of a black hole, beyond which nothing is known concerning the rearrangements of matter and energy (let’s just say that everything will be percolating in a very interesting way but we won’t be able to comment about it, having been severely disassembled). The idea of “the last days of mankind†seems to get both religious fundamentalists and “I told you so†congenital pessimists worked up into a froth, and any little scrap of information that might seem to justify their worries or validate their ideas concerning matters eschatological is immediately seized upon. Norman Cohn described this mentality in his classic “The Pursuit of the Millenniumâ€, and not much remains to be added. Science itself will always provide fodder for this kind of speculation. The tabloids do an excellent job of disseminating shoddy ideas with laughable illustrations and fake pictures, and many a reader, poorly educated in science and not all that rational to begin with, gets what he or she wants and likes. It’s a match made in heaven and is delightful to watch. When it comes to thinking about methodology in science (dreary but necessary thoughts) and what constitutes evidence, most folks are just plain ignorant or stupid, and proud of it. P. T. Barnum could have made a tidy sum with a sign proclaiming “Follow the egress to the black hole – five centsâ€.
Hi, I am the writer (and artist) responsible for the afore mentioned article and I am a little concerned that no one seems to have spotted the extremely ‘tongue in cheek’ way I represented the story.
It was not intended as ‘bugger we might be doomed’ scenario, more a ‘look at what the crackpots have come up with now!’.
Unfortunately, as Metro is supposed to be impartial in all things I am restricted from using ‘I think this is rubbish’ type editorial. However, I do hope readers are intelligent enough to spot a bit satire and embrace it for what it is. Alas I am sometimes disappointed as my optimism often proves misplaced.
Hi Ben,
Delighted you’ve found your way to Prospect through the mysteries of the web-verse!
I picked on your piece largely because of my relish at its satirical undertow (as finely exhibited in the extract above); and surely comparison to Brass Eye, one of the finest British satires of the last decade, is praise enough for anyone’s comic skills.
I’m also aware, however, that without editorial signposting of the kind Metro dare not stoop to, many readers are apt to take all “scientific” pieces with about as much scepticism as Brass Eye’s pundits did the composition of crustacean DNA or the ability of computer keyboards to emit mind-altering vapours…
“I’m also aware, however, that without editorial signposting of the kind Metro dare not stoop to, many readers are apt to take all “scientific†pieces with about as much scepticism as Brass Eye’s pundits did the composition of crustacean DNA or the ability of computer keyboards to emit mind-altering vapours…”
…you have no idea (sigh).
I often think twice about such an approach – knowing full well the number of folks who cannot see beyond their nose – but sometimes the subject is a gift and I cannot resist. I just write and get ready to reap the whirlwind (or blackhole)
“without editorial signposting of the kind Metro dare not stoop to, many readers are apt to take all “scientific†pieces with about as much scepticism as Brass Eye’s pundits did the composition of crustacean DNA or the ability of computer keyboards to emit mind-altering vapours…”
You have no idea…(sigh)… how true…(sigh)… that is (sigh).
But it gives me a giggle – between bouts of tooth-grinding frustration – when, on Monday morning, I open pandora’s inbox and release the emails of those lost souls who see a word and say ‘that’s a word’ instead of saying ‘that’s a word, what does he mean?’
…sigh
…oops, thought I’d lost the first reply. Call it a BOGOF
Exact men should dare to be exact. Play or tongue in cheek should be forbidden for calculators like city planners. When a new industrial idea comes into his software, that ‘a car for everyone is democratic’ or ‘the internet of things will connect everything’, the non linguistic consequencies must be included in its presentation. Otherwise technology insults itself. It is amazing how intelligence evaporates in converging media, especially in Holland. Sure its super nice to pick up each others feel for culture. Im sure Einstein in terms of communication would encourage the blog. But what is so difficult about pointing out in which dimension a new id is saying what, exactly ? ingeborg
PS.About this moral grammar of mine in here. The pattern of thought was caused by seeing something like the new Schröders Cat, that day. Except that it was Jeannets Foot run over by a bus.
PPS. About the place of the accident, we may conclude that the City Council of Amsterdam has taken The Artist’s Impression (of her Computer Assisted Design) into considderation, once again. Turds of Concrete elephant size are emplaced in such a way that the bus will be well protected, for Jeannett and other pedestrians there is not a centimeter space left to walk. (I don’t think God has got anything to do with this.)